


Breakfast doesn't end your illusions

by nakamtto



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bad Parenting, Boys In Love, Breaking Up & Making Up, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Lee Taeyong is a Good Friend, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Masturbation Interruptus, Shy Lee Taeyong, Slice of Life, dojae angst, taeten - Freeform, they deserve a good breakfast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:33:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25083946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakamtto/pseuds/nakamtto
Summary: Taeyong spent the entire summer without speaking to any of his best friends.Until one night, in the middle of his favorite (hand) job, he receives a text from Doyoung inviting him to break into someone's house and (maybe) kidnap a person.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	Breakfast doesn't end your illusions

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this idea in like 2017 and I wrote this several times and ended up giving up. I found this in my drafts and there was so much going on that I couldn't simply delete it. And well, it's quarantine and I got nothing better to do. There will be a lot of mistakes because I got fed up and bored from reading this several times for so long, so forgive me for that. It's my first time publishing such a long work and i'm kinda insecure about it cuz it took me so long i'm afraid no one is gonna read it. but, if you like it, please let me know <3

A loud bang breaks into Taeyong’s dreams, crashing the silent and peaceful atmosphere that prevented him from waking up. It comes without an announcement, but as soon as it hits Taeyong’s ears, he ignores it completely. 

The noise is unpleasant, but persistent. Taeyong rolls over in bed, still with his eyes closed, pretending to be within a dream. He tries to muffle the noise with a thin blanket, but doesn’t achieve any success. Whoever disturbed him in the middle of the evening was no quitter. Minutes passed and the bangs became louder, forcing Taeyong’s sleepiness to give way to a complete state of irritation.

He screams internally. The insistence of one forces him to open his eyes and face nothing but the raw darkness of his room full of emptiness and possibilities. Somehow, he manages to make his legs move and they carry him all the way to the door.

On the other side, the youngest maid of the house, Kim Minah, greets him with an awkward smile. She is shorter than him, so Taeyong has to look down to see her clearly. She owns gentle eyes, laden with a shimmering shade of brown, and her cheeks are always red, making her face look like a tomato ready to explode.

“I didn’t mean to annoy you, Mr. Lee.” She assures, shooting him an apologetic smile that somehow ends up being too awkward. Of all the people in that house, Kim Mina was the nicest one, even though Taeyong never talked to her for more than 10 seconds. “I just came to say that dinner was served and Mr. and Mrs. Lee are waiting for you.”

Taeyong sighs. A bitter taste takes over his palate when he considers refusing the invitation and slamming the door shut, but a part of himself fears what consequences his actions might bring and he doesn’t have the energy to fight another war. Not tonight at least. 

Kim Mina glances at him, swinging her feet and shifting her body weight from one leg to the other. Her uniform seems too short for her body and she often stretches its tissue in an attempt to cover her thighs. Taeyong can only watch her, but she doesn’t hold eye contact for too long.

“Please, tell them I’m coming.”

Kim Mina smiles one more time, and leaves without saying another word.

✶

“I thought you wouldn’t come!”

Lee Hyunsik’s voice sounds rather forced and full of annoyance as soon as he sees Taeyong approaching the dinner room. He gives one of those smiles reserved just for business, when he is about to close a partnership with a company and needs to look friendly. Taeyong assumes he just got home because he is still wearing his suit.

“Sorry, I’m late!” Taeyong apologizes, taking a seat on the table. “I was sleeping.” 

“I see…” His father smiles again. “I guess we can start dinner now.” 

Sounds of spoons hitting porcelain plates echoes over the room, but Taeyong doesn’t move. His stomach hurts. He peeks at his mother, who sat on the opposite side of his father. Since he sat at the table, she said nothing, being too concentrated on eating her tomato soup with all the elegance she had learned instead of perceiving her son's presence.

No one seems to realize he hadn’t touched his food yet.

“Son, summer break is almost finishing, I thought it would be nice for us to do something together, what do you think?” Lee Hyunsik asks as he takes a sip of water. The words flow spontaneously from his mouth, almost naturally. This surely doesn’t sound like the father Taeyong knows.

He takes a few minutes to consider the sudden offer, clearing his throat several times, as he thinks about what to say, but an awful blank dominates his mind.

“Um…” He turns to his father and by doing so his excitement dies mercilessly.

The inflexible expression his dad carries opens a bullet hole in his chest. Nothing besides the smirk born out of irony reflects a real emotion. His eyes are fixed on his wife's image. They are telling many jokes. Including Taeyong. A joke. That’s what he is. Taeyong’s a joke his dad recites to piss his mother off, however, she only presses her lips into a white slash, not giving a single fuck.

“I already made plans with my friends, dad. I’m sorry.”

Taeyong looks down at his plate and brings a spoonful of tomato soup to his mouth. Despite the food being purely liquid, he swallows it hard. He has nothing to do in the remaining days of summer, and he is aware that his dad knows it too. He expects him to say something, but his dad stays quiet and only nods. Again, the sound of spoons hitting porcelain plates is all that's left to be heard.

“There’s always a next time, right?”

Another fucking smile.

This soup must been poisoned, because the minute Taeyong put it inside his mouth, an uncomfortable sensation spread through his stomach. He wants to leave immediately. His senses scream for him to run away from this unsafe zone. The enemy’s territories. It hurts. His stomach hurts and disappointment hurts a lot more when you allow yourself to flirt with the foolish hope.

Indeed, there’s no place like home.

Taeyong swallows it and eats his goddamn soup.

✶

Taeyong’s room welcomes him like an old friend who offers safety and comfort. He’s still torn by what happened at dinner, but the atmosphere of the room makes it slightly better. 

He closes the door with more strength than necessary, letting his hands fall to the side of his waist. He can finally allow himself to show an emotion, so he does. His body gives in and he leans his forehead against the door. The night followed just like he had expected, but it doesn’t mean he was prepared for it. No one really is. 

If someone ever admitted that witnessing their parents’ cold war was easy, they sure were lying. Because Taeyong has been here since day one and he feels the same old grumping pain. Sometimes, he wonders if they ever loved each other. He can't describe one single moment his father ever smiled to his mother. The curve at the corner of his lips when he got what he wanted was the closest to a genuine smile Taeyong had perceived. Perhaps, they were happy when he wasn't around. Everyone's life seems happier without him. 

The only thing he can do is stay the hell away as possible. A locked door is enough to keep the monsters out. It has to be.

He turns around to face his room, but there’s nothing to see. The only light available comes from outside, brightening the walls through the window, and projecting shapes and deformed silhouettes. It makes him remember when he used to be afraid of the dark. He used to sneak into his parents room at night, screaming that he had seen something in the dark, although his parents always got him back to his room, with him crying and begging not to comeback.

They never listened. 

Taeyong sighs heavily at the memory and makes his way to his bed, throwing himself on it, making it sink with his weight. He lays there with open arms, spread legs and his face buried in the mattress. It’s not a nice position; it causes him pain and panic. Nevertheless, he stays like that for a few seconds, feeling the cold air hit his skin, and liking the way it gives him some goosebumps. The coldness and the panic makes him feel like a real person, unlike the ones made of plastic that he has the honor of sharing the same blood. 

He hangs there for two more seconds before the need for air makes him rise abruptly. Taeyong gasps almost comically, as he tries to stick as much of air as he can inside his lungs.

What a stupid idea. 

He thinks loudly and lights the lamp besides the bed. It’s nearly 9 pm as he can see in the digital watch stuck on the wall, and there he is, doing lots of nothing. Pathetic.

Two weeks have passed since he last heard of his friends, which was odd. It’s not like they were doing anything or went somewhere. Just like Taeyong, they should be at home staring at the ceiling, thinking about how life is a piece of shit. And still, they didn’t text him. His mind starts to wander in dangerous places, where paranoia and fear live. He hates it, but it's not like he has control over it. Taeyong shouldn't be so affected by this, but he is.

He searches for his phone on the bed and takes it in his hands. 

Maybe if he messaged them first, they would respond. But, the tickling in his chest says otherwise. What happens if they don’t respond? 

Taeyong doesn’t have time to think of an answer as the shrill sound of his phone signaling a new notification sounds through the room, making him flinch in alarm. Immediately, a little flame of hope grows within him as he hurries to pick up his phone. 

However, his hope dies as fast as it was born. At least candy crush misses him.

Taeyong groans and tosses his phone somewhere in the bed. 

“Okay.” He says, even though he isn’t sure what he means. “I’m okay.” His voice does not come as firm as he'd like, but, again, it's okay. It’s okay that his friends ditched him, it’s okay that his parents hate him, it’s okay that he is alone. It’s okay. Everything it’s fucking okay. 

Minutes passes with his eyes glued to the ceiling. Somehow, he manages to breath, but it’s a short and muffled exhaled. Taeyong can’t focus on anything else, but the white and empty ceiling. He needs to remind himself to check on its painting later, because even from afar, he can see that it’s fading. 

Once more, somewhere among his sheets, his phone lights up, the noise of the notification buzzing in Taeyong’s ear. 

But it’s just porn.

He doesn’t know why he still bothers checking it, he should know that candy crush and porn are the only things he can count on. They never let him down.

Taeyong locks his phone after expelling a breath of air. It hurts to admit that the world keeps turning even when his life seems in an endless state of inertia. Outside of these four insignificant walls, the world goes on. So why shouldn’t he? 

Taeyong doesn’t need to think twice.

Porn it is. 

✶

Taeyong watched porn for the first time at the age of thirteen.

It happened accidentally. He remembers being home alone with nothing exceptional to do, so he found himself wandering the aisles of the house until he stopped in front of his parents' bedroom door. He liked it better. Their bed was huge and their television was bigger, so he went inside and searched for something to watch on their TV.

He stared at the channels names for 10 minutes until he decided to pass channel to channel randomly. He was almost giving up when he saw. The sound was the first thing that caught his attention. Taeyong knew what sex were, he knew why people did it, but still, it felt different to watch it.

Goddammit! 

He stared numb at the TV for minutes. A woman and a man were fucking, but not how they taught him in biology class, the man’s dick was in the woman’s ass and that new information came to him as a big shock. It was weird yet fascinating.

He could not wait until the next day to tell his friends what he had discovered.

✶

Taeyong opens the blog and goes straight to the most recent video.

A few minutes in, just as the man begins moaning, Taeyong can feel his dick hardening.

He cannot hold any longer, he takes his pants off and grabs a couple of tissues. As soon as his hands touches his sensitive skin, he sighs and relax. He likes to start slowly, rubbing his dick up and down without rush. He closes his eyes and lets his body fulfill his head with whatever sensation it wants, his body is burning with anticipation.

Taeyong throws his head back in pure pleasure. He's panting and moaning, his breath is heavy, and he fights the urge to close his eyes and moan louder. He isn’t paying attention to the video, the audio is enough to turn him on. Fragments of what he had previously watched illustrated his mind, encouraging him to go faster.

Taeyong yearns to be there, in the middle of the two, being fucked, sucked and bit. He wanted to be a whore, but he was a loser. And losers must fuck themselves because no one else wants to.

He stops thinking about it and focus on himself, doing it faster, moving his hand up and down. He feels so good. His body seems to catch fire and sweat trickles down his temples, but just as he was reaching his climax, he hears knocks on his window (or something else, he isn't paying attention). He chooses to ignore it and turns the attention to the video, the guy on top is already coming out, his moans fills Taeyong's ears as his body relax.

The knocks become more and more insistent, though. Taeyong sighs, irritated, and pauses the video, getting up from his bed. He walks to the window and spies around.

“What's going on?” He murmurs to himself.

His voice is a frustrated whisper. Something hit his window again and his first instinct is to get away, after another hit, he realizes it's a rock. He is relieved but confused. Is someone throwing rocks at his window?

Being cautious, he approaches the glass window, trying to see the outside, and by the colored lights that illuminate the Japanese garden of the house, he sees a strange orange-haired thing standing in the middle of his yard. He rolls his eyes, knowing it's just his stupid best friend named Doyoung, but he prefers to call him a “thing”.

Doyoung is ready to throw another rock when he suddenly stops and waves to Taeyong, he picks his phone out of his pocket and begins to type something. Taeyong figure out it's for him when his phone starts vibrating and lighting up his room. When he's holding the phone, its screen shows a text from “dodo”:

hey! get your ugly ass here

It reads and yes, Doyoung's manners didn't match his appearance at all. Taeyong is confused and angry. Firstly, why is Doyoung in his garden throwing rocks (his garden rocks!!!) at his window at nine o'clock? Second, who does he think he is to order him do something when the redhead literally forgot him all summer? What was he thinking? That Taeyong would do whatever he wanted just because, he is not implying anything, just because he missed his friend and is genuinely happy that he is standing in his garden?

He replies:

what do u want?

It's just a question, an innocent and coherent question, that shows none of the emotions that Taeyong is feeling right now. He's proud. When he glances outside again, Doyoung is typing.

u and i will break into a house and >maybe< kidnap a person :)

"What the fuck?"

He curses as he is already dialing Doyoung’s number to discover what’s happening with him, the other answers as quick as he had been called and Taeyong is ready to bombard him with questions.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Taeyong's voice is rushed and anxious, but Doyoung is calm.

“Please hyung, come here.” The younger boy insists, because he knows it will affect his friend. “I need you!”

Taeyong's heart softens when he hears these words and agrees, not thinking twice. How could he not?

“Alright…”

"Thanks, hyung"

The other boy is about to reply when he remembers what he was previously doing.

"I'll be there in a bit. I have to finish something first".

✶ 

Doyoung is admiring the night sky when Taeyong sees him.

He stands in the middle of the gravel path of Taeyong’s garden that leads to the pool. A small piece of twig folds in his hands, his fingers playing with it mindlessly. Something in him seems off. Taeyong can’t tell what it is, but he knows his friend well. If Doyoung were okay, he would not show up at his house that late wearing a crumpled pink t-shirt and a black tracksuit. He wants to know what's up, but his legs won't move. Taeyong feels as if he was witnessing an important moment, so he remains quiet.

Doyoung stays static for some time, staring intensely at the stars. He lows his head with a sigh and drops the twig, putting his hands in the pocket of his sweatpants instead. Taeyong's shadow can be seen on the floor next to his feet. Doyoung is quick to notice it. He turns abruptly to face his best friend. 

“Taeyong!” He exclaims, eyes wide. “Why are you standing there?”

“Um...” Taeyong is not sure either, his mouth opens, but nothing comes out, lips splitting and closing several times, as he thinks of something worth saying. “I don’t know… I just got here.”

“Oh!” Doyoung's mouth falls open. “Well, are you going to stay there all night?” He wiggles his hands in the air, pointing to where Taeyong is.

Taeyong realizes how awkward he must seem. His feet stuck to the floor like glue. Embarrassed, he walks to Doyoung in fast footsteps. When they are side by side, Taeyong is able to see him in details. Doyoung looks tired, his face is pale and his eyes vacant. Taeyong only sees him like this at exam’s time, the result of several sleepless nights and caffeine abuse. Now, there is no reason for him to be like this. At least, that’s what he thinks.

“Okay!” He tries to sound relaxed. “May I know why you are here?”

“About that...” Doyoung begins to move his hands again. “It's Jaehyun.”

Taeyong nods. Of course it’s Jaehyun. When it comes to Doyoung, there’s only three things that matters: flute, coffee and his boyfriend. Yuta used to say that Taeyong was the couple’s “therapist”, but Taeyong just thought he was a good friend, the one who listened to both sides when they fought and led them to an understanding.

“What happened?” Taeyong asks, biting his lip. His mind already guesses the worst of the scenarios.

“Huh...” Doyoung hesitates, and turns his gaze to the stars. Whatever stuck in his throat, it seems hard to put out. “His parents found out.”

The words fly loose in the air. Doyoung’s words are vague, but they weigh as if they are everything. Taeyong stares at him with arched eyebrows, putting piece by piece together, until his eyes widen in realization.

Holy shit.

“W-what? About you two?”

Doyoung shakes his head slowly as he closes his eyes. The silence around them becomes dense and heavy. At loss for words and actions, Taeyong’s hands reaches the curve of his neck, running his fingers over his skin, making it warm what before was cold.

“I never thought they would react well, but…” Doyoung’s voice begins to fail, and Taeyong realizes he is struggling with himself not to cry. His eyes were so full of water that Taeyong could see the lights reflecting in its transparency. “T-they’re keeping him locked at home without seeing anyone, well, without seeing me. Yuta got to see him twice, uh…, including this week.”

Taeyong knows he can't just stand there. He gets close to his friend and opens his arms, wrapping Doyoung tightly as he burst into small sobs. Taeyong feels his heart beat uncontrollably against his chest, but their bodies are so glued together that he isn’t sure if it is really his.

“A-and that is not even the worst part!” Doyoung says, voice silenced against Taeyong's shoulder. “They’re sending him away, Tae.”

Taeyong freezes, and his mouth drops open. Doyoung’s voice echoes in his ears, not making any sense. Why did he know nothing of this? These are the answers as to why Jaehyun didn’t respond his texts, but what about the others? He can’t shake away the feeling of betrayal even though he knows this isn’t about him. 

“What do you mean?”

“When Yuta went to see him, Jaehyun told him his parents were sending him to North America.”

Oh. So Yuta knew.

“Oh shit!”

“They told my parents as well.” Doyoung complements, his breath is hot against Taeyong’s neck. “They only talked to me about how Jesus would save my sinful soul… Nothing that matters.”

“I'm sorry,” Taeyong whispers.

The uncomfortable sensation from earlier makes another appearance. Taeyong feels like throwing up. He feels guilty for everything, especially for getting angry with his friends. He is so selfish and such a terrible friend. 

They break away from the hug, staying centimeters away from each other. Doyoung seems better, but Taeyong wants to cry. He takes one of his hands to Doyoung’s face and cleans the trace of his tears. Doyoung’s swarming eyes surrounded by dark circles makes Taeyong wonder when was the last time he got a proper night of sleep.

“What will you do?” He asks, his hands still over Doyoung’s cheekbones. 

Taeyong's question seems to illuminate his face. Doyoung smiles, but nothing in his expression indicates sincere happiness.

“We are going to give Jaehyun a visit.”

✶ 

Taeyong is worried. Too worried.

The elevator door closes behind his back as hesitant footsteps leads him to the Jung's door, almost instantaneously its dark shade of brown fills Taeyong's brooding eyes. For any ordinary person, it could be just another apartment, as elegant as the others in that neighborhood. But, for him, it was a meaningful piece of his childhood days. Jaehyun's apartment is his second home, although, at this very moment, he doubts it can provide him any comfort.

He takes his hand to the doorbell, but something within him stops his action halfway. Taeyong really, really, really can’t believe in what he is about to do. The responsibility of fucking things up even more for his friends weighs on his shoulders.

“It will be worth it.” He murmurs and shuts his eyes. The image of his friends pops in his mind, making a small flame of courage bloom. With that piece of bravery, Taeyong inhales all the air he can get inside his lungs, proceeding to release it slowly. He repeats the circle until he feels calmer and presses the doorbell.

Shortly after, Mrs. Jung answers the door with a puzzled face.

“Taeyong?”

Her voice comes as a low and tired whisper instead of her usual confident tone. Her expression also appears different, Mrs. Jung was young, and already had little wrinkles radiating from the corners of her eyes. She acted like a woman who had struggled with life and won.

“H-hi! Good night!”

“What are you doing here at...” She pauses to search for something into the house. “9 pm?”

“I was at Yuta’s when I remembered I left my notebook with Jaehyun on the last day of school. And since the vacations are almost ending, and I'm already starting to organize myself, I thought about passing here and picking it up... If it’s not an inconvenience... You know how anxious I can be about school...”

Mrs. Jung’s cold gaze studies him in total silence. Every time Taeyong was near her, he would feel something strong. He just didn't know whether it was fear or admiration. Mrs. Jung has always been a powerful woman.

“Okay.” She mutters, nothing more coming out of her mouth.

Mrs. Jung lurches across the corridor and Taeyong marches behind her.

“Jaehyun is in his room. Do what you have to do.” She says, storming to her own room before Taeyong can say anything. The door is shut and Taeyong is left alone in the middle of the corridor. He leans on the wall, putting a hand over his stomach and exhales a gust of air.

Okay, he’s inside. Now all he needs to do is get Doyoung inside as well. Easy.

The apartment has never been this silent. Taeyong doesn’t know where Mr. Jung is and he doesn’t want to stay longer to find out. Once he feels calmer, he strides to the kitchen and goes straight to open the door to the service area where Doyoung sneaks in.

“Thank God!” Doyoung sighs in relief.

“Shh!” Taeyong advises. “She's in her room! Don't say anything.”

Taeyong leads the way to Jaehyun’s room while praying that no unexpected guests would show up. Some god seems to attend their prayers and they manage to get to Jaehyun's room unseen, making every effort not to make a noise.

Jaehyun has his back facing the door. Something on top of his bed catches his eyes. When Taeyong leans forward, he acknowledges it’s a suitcase, which lay empty on his bed.

A moment of deep silence takes place among the three. Doyoung breaks it.

“Jaehyun…”

Jaehyun freezes for a few seconds. Doyoung tries again.

“Jae?”

He turns abruptly. As soon as he notices them, his face goes ashen.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, confusion all over his face.

Taeyong rubs his hands one in the other several times. That uncomfortable sensation just won’t fade. He stares at Doyoung. After all, he dragged him into this situation.

“We came to see you.”

Jaehyun’s eyebrows comes together in a questioning look. Taeyong feels the need to explain himself. 

“Your mom let me in. She doesn't know that Doyoung is here.” He answers him, ignoring his own nervousness.

“What? Are you two insane?” Jaehyun rages, in a shaking voice.

Taeyong reaches for Doyoung again, helpless. This isn’t going well. This certainly isn’t going well. Doyoung seems to be reading his mind, because the next second he is approaching Jaehyun cautiously.

“I know about America.” Doyoung whispers, gently. “I couldn’t let you go without seeing you.”

Jaehyun tries to breathe deeply, but his breathing comes in ragged gasps. He is gradually losing it. Taeyong knows it. What before was a stone cold face, now it’s a broken image of a broken boy. Taeyong turns away as the first sob comes from Jaehyun’s mouth.

“Oh my god, e-everything has been so difficult! My parents act like I’m such a disappointment! I can’t take this!”

Taeyong really, really, really wants to leave the two alone. This moment is supposed to be theirs, there’s no one else in this picture. He is just an intruder. All he hears is his own heavy breathing and the quiet sobs of Jaehyun. They must be hugging because Doyoung isn’t saying anything. Taeyong wants to leave. That uncomfortable sensation is getting bigger. He feels it in his legs now.

“I don't want to leave, hyung.” Jaehyun confesses, but he sounds as if he already accepted defeat. “I have no choice.”

“Do you trust me?” Doyoung asks softly.

“Yes!” Jaehyun answers with no hesitation.

Taeyong raises his head back to the two as he senses Doyoung's gaze on him. And, just with the power of body language, Taeyong reads him saying, “I'm telling him the plan”. On response, Taeyong shakes his head firmly, but Doyoung shrugs his shoulders, without caring and turns to Jaehyun again. Taeyong twists his nose. What’s the point of having a silent conversation if Doyoung is not going to listen to him?

“I have a plan.”

“The plan is stupid and we’ll die.” Taeyong warns, running a finger around the other one of his trembling hands. It’s in his arms now. Doyoung roll his eyes at his scene.

Two knocks are delivered at the door. Taeyong looks at the source of the sound with panic. Shit. That’s it. That’s how they die. They all stare at the door. But no one comes. From the inside, it’s possible to hear Mrs. Jung clearly.

“Jaehyun, don’t go to bed late! And Taeyong, I think it's time to go...”

“Yes, mother! He's leaving now!”

“Good night!” Taeyong replies.

When they hear footsteps moving away, they let out sighs of relief.

“You coming?”

Jaehyun opens his mouth repeatedly, eyes flickering between Doyoung and the empty suitcase.

“Hyung...”

“Jaehyun, do you trust me?”

With one last glance over the suitcase, Jaehyun mutters: 

“I do.”

Taeyong forgets how to breathe. 

✶

Taeyong drives them to the nearest Mc Donalds they can encounter. He knew Doyoung and Jaehyun needed to be alone and sort things out, so he takes the job to order their food. To his surprise, the place is quite full. 

Jaehyun and Doyoung are sitting down at a table by the window, facing each other. Jaehyun can tell that Doyoung is nervous by watching the way he bites his lips. He naturally owns this bad habit of biting literally everything he can put his mouth on when anxiety picks on him. Jaehyun also feels the same, but he listens patiently when Doyoung starts talking.

“We should run away!”

Jaehyun is startled by this. What the actual fuck? 

“What?” 

“I have it all figured out. We can go to Europe or Australia, if you prefer. We can stay there for a while until our parents realize we’re serious about this.” He waves his hand between both of them. “About us.” 

Jaehyun remains silent. This ins't what he expected at all. Doyoung’s words buzzes in his ears like an annoying mosquito. 

“So?” He presses his teeth against his lips without bothering to get hurt as he taps his fingers on the table. “I know it sounds extreme, but it might work out. In the best scenario we wouldn’t even be out for too long.”

“Are you insane?” Jaehyun snaps, getting Doyoung to stare at him with arched eyebrows.

“Why is that?”

“For God's sake, Doyoung! This could never work! What would we do? How would we get money? How do you think we could survive on our own?”

As Jaehyun speaks, Doyoung's face goes dark. He isn’t trying to hide his irritation.

“So do you prefer to keep being controlled by your parents? Is that how you want to live?” Doyoung grins, eyes blinking fast. But no matter how angry he was, he would never raise his voice. “I thought you loved me, above all. Is it even true?”

Jaehyun hesitates for a few seconds, not understanding what the fuck was happening. If he had a choice, of course, he would look for other options, what the fuck Doyoung wanted him to do? 

“Of course I fucking love you!” He answers softly, a little hurt.

Doyoung's expression showcase pure disbelief, his eyebrows arched together and he narrowed his eyes in shock. For even if he was sure he had no hearing problems, he refused to trust what he heard.

“And yet you're picking your fucking abusive family over us.” Doyoung shakes his head, smoothing his tone that comes as a whisper. “You are a coward and a liar!”

Jaehyun is silent, too shocked to respond. Doyoung’s words sounded as if they were the greatest truths in his heart. Maybe they were. The whole world seems to shatter. Jaehyun cannot keep his lips from trembling or his eyes from watering. He resembles a vulnerable little boy. 

“If that's what you really think of me, then go away!”

Doyoung rises abruptly in the moment Taeyong comes forward carrying a tray full of burgers, french fries and coke. He exchanges confused glances with his friends, not able to understanding what is going on. 

“Excuse me for being the one actually trying to do something!” Doyoung spits, rushing to the exit. Taeyong puts the tray on the table, looking at Jaehyun for answers. 

“What-”

Jaehyun ignores him and leaves the same way as Doyoung had done. Taeyong is left alone with a table full of food and empty seats.

“What the fuck happened?” He questions, debating with himself whether to go after his friends or to stay there in case they came back. 

Just as he figures to leave, a group of three boys approaches his table. Taeyong raises his head to inspect them better. He recognizes one of the boys as Johnny Seo, they studied in the same school and have been classmates for three years, but weren’t close. Next to Johnny, was a blond boy, which could only be Moon Taeil, the class president. The two were holding hands, which was new. The third boy had a handsome smile, but Taeyong failed to recognize him. He certainly hadn’t noticed them before, but that doesn’t mean that if he did it sooner, he would talk to them anyway.

“Hey, Taeyong!” Johnny catches him excited. Taeil and the third boy smiles at him. “How weird to find you here, man. You all right?”

“Hi!” He waves hello, shyly. “I'm fine. What about you?”

“I'm good. This is Ten, a friend of mine. He is transferring to our school this year.” He answers pointing to the owner of the most beautiful smile Taeyong had ever seen. 

“Hello!” Ten greets him. 

“Are you here alone?” Moon Taeil asks after scanning his table. 

“No, I came with my friends, but they kind of left...”

“Oh, we were just leaving, otherwise we could hang out. I need to take Taeil home.” Johnny says looking disappointed even though they never talked outside of school before. Taeyong thinks it’s nice of him.

“I can stay” Ten says, promptly. Taeyong raises his eyebrow. What?

“You sure?” 

Even Johnny who knew this guy seems confused.

“Yeah. I’m not feeling like going home right now. It’s too early.” 

“Alright, then.” Johnny looks convinced. “Bye Taeyong! It was nice seeing you. And Ten, don’t forget to text me when you get home.”

“Bye.” Moon Taeil waves them goodbye. Taeyong watches him and Johnny leave – holding hands, by the way – just so he doesn’t have to interact with this Ten. 

“Urgh Johnny! Always babysitting everyone.” Ten whines, but there’s a playful tone to him. He sits down and steals some of Taeyong’s fries. Taeyong stays quiet taking small sips of his coke. 

Where the hell were Doyoung and Jaehyun?

✶

Jaehyun finds Doyoung in the parking lot discounting his frustration in helpless garbage cans. He watches him for a while, wondering what he was going to say after the fight they had. He had never seen Doyoung that mad. Not even during their friendship days. Doyoung was the type to swallow everything inside. He almost never shared what he felt. 

Jaehyun recalls the old days fondly. Everything was so odd, at first, as his feelings were changing, developing and growing. He had a hard time learning how to accept who he was and what he felt. Doyoung was always there, always so patient and understanding. Always so gentle and beautiful yet so fragile and naive. It pains him to know that he is hurting the man he loves. 

“Doyoung!” Jaehyun calls his name.

He chooses the truth. 

Doyoung's body responds automatically. When he realizes who calls, he turns his back again.

“I don’t wanna talk to you.” He snorts and kicks a can.

“I... I don’t want to argue, okay?” Jaehyun pauses, expecting some reaction from his love, but there is nothing. The sound of cars passing on the road filled the gap between them. Another kick. “You may not want to talk to me anymore, but listen to me, please. I’m leaving tomorrow and I don't want our last day to be like this. Let me explain myself.”

Doyoung stops with the kicking. He doesn’t come forward or say anything; his eyes are fixed on the ground. Jaehyun sees it as a signal to continue.

“I don’t know if my parents will ever change, but I can’t do it, love. I can’t abandon them. I know they are not the best and I know they hurt me, but I’m not ready. What did you expect? We were going to wake up tomorrow and have breakfast as if nothing happened? These are only illusions, dear. It would never work.”

The words come out of his mouth without stopping. Tears fall from his eyes as if they had been long held, yearning for freedom. Jaehyun lets go of control and cries. He cries so hard to the point he’s unable to stop sobbing.

“You could try,” Doyoung says, too careful and too quiet. 

“I-I know. You m-may be ready, b-but I’m-I’m not...”, Jaehyun responds between the sobs.

“I know.” Doyoung declares, setting free his own tears. “And I am sorry for pushing you.”

“I-I’m sorry for not being ready-” Jaehyun’s voice sounds muffled, but Doyoung understands him perfectly. He reaches forward and wraps his long arms around Jaehyun’s body in a tight embrace. “I love you”.

In that moment the world falls silent. It’s just the two of them. Together. Forever. 

“Perhaps I will regret it. Perhaps it’s the wrong decision, but it’s my decision and how I feel right now. It’s all on me. Tomorrow I will be someone else, maybe someone braver. But right now, this is who I am and that's how I feel.” 

“I know,” Doyoung replies, reassuringly, whispering directly in his ear. “And I love you for that.”

Jaehyun nods slowly.

“I’ll graduate. I’ll earn my own money. I’ll be independent and I’ll take care of my own life. They won’t have any more power over me. I’ll comeback, but I don’t want to fill you with promises. We know nothing about tomorrow.” 

Doyoung contemplates him intensely and smiles, “Today is enough for me.”

✶ 

Taeyong has many fears.

Being left alone with an unknown person in a nearly deserted Mc Donald’s at ten pm is the main one. In the first five minutes he spend alone with Ten, he did not exchange a word, staying away from the other, who kept trying to small talk. Taeyong couldn’t move and Ten watched him closely, which didn’t help at all to calm him down.

“This is getting ridiculous, isn't it? I already know your name, and you know mine. We're practically best friends now.”

Taeyong doesn’t laugh, but blushes a little. He hears a shriek of laughter and conversations in the background, coming from the table with the other group of teenagers, it makes him feel even more uncomfortable.

“Sorry, it's just... I do not know how to meet new people.”

Ten nods, understating. His intense gaze dissipates instantly, and it’s replaced by a calm posture and a charming smile.

“It's okay! You could start asking me questions! I think it's a good way to get to know each other.”

Taeyong seems to think about it.

“How-how long have you been friends with Johnny?”

“Since forever! I've known that idiot since I was a baby. And you?”

“I don’t know him very well. We are just classmates!”

“Oh, that's a shame. Johnny is a funny guy!”

“I'm curious about one thing. Why didn’t you go with them? Why did you want to stay here with me?”

For a moment, Ten just stares at him and a sketch of a mischievous smile hovers in the corner of his mouth. Immediately, Taeyong feels stupid. Instead of responding right away, Ten leans forward so that his face is inches away from Taeyong. They are eye to eye, but Taeyong manages to look away, analyzing Ten’s face. His skin is smooth and perfect, his jaw is strong and yet delicate. Ten is stunning and Taeyong is lost. They are so close that his brain short-circuits, he can’t even step away.

“For two reasons, actually.” Ten whispers. Taeyong feels his breath on his face. “One: the night it’s just beginning and two: you seem like the perfect company.”

Just like that, Ten returns to his previous position, as if nothing had happened, letting Taeyong speechless.

“So, what are your favorite books? I’m a good fan of the Harry Potter Series and Sherlock Holmes,” Ten says, naturally.

“I, I…” Taeyong stammers, searching for some kind of response. He takes a deep breath and crosses his arms. “T-that’s not fair!”

“What?” Ten smiles once more, innocently. His voice remains the same tone as before, high enough to show safety, and low enough to live up to the sleek, sexy style that accompanied him with every gesture.

“You don’t get to do this to me! What are you doing here anyway? I don’t even know you!” Taeyong snaps. Who Ten though he was?

“Alright, alright!” Ten raises both hands at head height, signaling defeat. “I came on a date with someone I met, but he didn’t show up and I ended up meeting Johnny by coincidence. But I'm not playing with you, I swear. I wanted to stay because I thought you were cute.”

Wait.

Did Ten just say he was cute?

What the fuck?

“Oh, so your date blew you off?” Taeyong chose to say instead, ignoring what Ten had said because he can’t deal with it. He surely can’t.

“It was not a date, we were just going to, you know, make out… But why are you even talking about this-” Ten rolls his eyes, seeming annoyed. However, before he can finish his sentence, Taeyong interrupts him, not wanting to carry on with that kind of conversation.

“At Mc Donald’s?”

“No, Jesus Christ, children eat here! I was just waiting for him! Are you-”

“Him?”

“Yeah, any problem?”

“No, no, of course not.” Taeyong says quickly.

Ten pauses to watch him. Taeyong ignores his gaze and drinks the coke that it’s supposed to be Jaehyun's.

“Taeyong, are you purposely ignoring everything else I said?”

“Y-yes.”

“Why?”

Taeyong takes a sip of the coke. He stares at the remaining fries on the tray so intensely that he can cut a hole in them. He is blushing again.

“Because I don’t know how to react. No one ever called me cute before…”

“Well, that’s a really cute thing to say…”

“Shut up!”

Ten sighs, leaning back in his seat. Taeyong continues to try to avoid his gaze. A noise arose at the entrance; both turned their heads to see who had come, Taeyong with a little more enthusiasm. He hopes it’s one of his friends to save him from this awkward conversation.

“So... your friends, where did they go?”

“I don’t know.” Taeyong admits, suddenly recovering his missing friends.

“Are they together?”

“Oh my God! Shut up! I don’t know where they went.”

Ten laughs at the slightly panic in Taeyong’s face.

“Huh… Taeyong?”

“Huh?”

“Have you ever been with someone in a car?”

“What? No...” Taeyong looks at Ten as if he’s crazy, but Ten does not seem to notice it.

“Wanna try it?”

✶

Soft breathing, intertwined fingers, slow heartbeat.

There was nothing better in the world for Doyoung than to feel Jaehyun’s soft breath against his neck. The warm air hitting his skin as Jaehyun inhaled and exhaled made everything feel genuine. The present is here. Jaehyun is his and he has him in his arms holding his hand as if to say, “I'm not going anywhere.”

Although he is.

Doyoung's heart beats loudly, but Jaehyun is calm. It’s almost as if his imminent departure is not the end of the world. Maybe it isn’t. Nevertheless, for Doyoung, it’s the end of his world.

“When I was little, I thought the moon was beautiful and it reminded me of soap bubbles. I was very upset that it only appeared at night, so my grandpa bought me a soap bubble gun and said I could start creating my own moons, whenever I wanted to. My parents found it stupid. I know it seems silly, but it made me so happy. I was obsessed with soap bubbles for whole a year. And I even made my Dad buy me a telescope.”

Jaehyun comments suddenly. He gazes at Doyoung and caresses his cheeks.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you look sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad. You have this tendency to keep everything inside until you drown.” Doyoung opens his mouth to protest, but Jaehyun interrupts him. “Don’t try to deny it. I'm listening to your heart and I know what you're thinking. I know you.”

Doyoung sighs.

“It's not just... you know, the situation. You do this to me. You make my heart beat like this. It’s a reaction I have no control over.” Jaehyun buries his head in the curve of Doyoung's neck, and the older boy smiles, knowing that he is embarrassed. “I remember the first time I felt like this. We were at school, but it was different. You. Me. I couldn’t stop staring at you. You were so happy and didn’t stop smiling. Suddenly, the world shifted and I began to notice things that were invisible before.”

“Like what? Please, increase my ego a little,” Jaehyun laughs, sounding, for a moment, like the little boy he once was.

“Well, I realized there are two sides of Jung Jaehyun. A cute persona. Which you are the whole time. You just smile and your dimples show up and it’s just such a pure, genuine happiness.”

“What about the other one?” Jaehyun asks curious.

“I guess it was in P.E class that I realized how hot you were. It made me have weird thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You were hot as fuck.”

Doyoung keeps his tone serious, but when their eyes meet, they begin to laugh.

“Oh my God! Oh my God!” Jaehyun laughs wildly and rests his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder again.

“I said nothing beyond the facts, but seriously, why are you telling me about you and your weird obsession with the moon and bubbles?”

“It’s not weird! And I was a child.”

“Okay, okay. Fair enough!”

“I think that sometimes we don’t have all that we want so we look for ways to continue to lie to ourselves and to keep the fantasy alive. I loved the moon and I thought I could replace it, so I would continue to be happy. But it was just a childish illusion. The moon is up in the sky and it shows up only when it has to. If I missed it, I could always play with my bubble gun or look at pictures online. I couldn’t rush it. Things wouldn’t happen just because I wanted them too. I loved the moon and because I couldn’t have the nighttime as I pleased, I cherish everytime it came to me.”

“Wow. When did you become so wise?”

“Shut up!”

“I’m gonna cherish this night forever.”

“Me too.”

“What time is your flight tomorrow?” Doyoung asks, biting his lower lip.

“7 am,” Jaehyun answers with a sigh. Doyoung squeezes him tight.

“Damn. So soon.”

“Yeah…”

“I'll miss you so much.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

They go silent and both take mental pictures of that wonderful night. Oh, the soft breathing, the intertwined fingers, and slow heartbeat. All of Doyoung’s favorite little things.

“Jaehyun…”

“Yes?”

“Did we forget about Taeyong?”

“Holy shit!”

✶

Taeyong knew nothing about real kisses. Ten’s lips were all over his mouth, moving, sucking and biting. He figured this is how it’s supposed to go, so he allows Ten to take the lead, doing little to cooperate and much not to mess everything up. Ten moves fast, tastes salty and smells like lust, he is the perfect picture of the late night ocean.

Once, Taeyong swam in the summer sea at night. The warm waters embraced him like nothing before and made him feel safe and blissful. Ten feels the same as the sea, but heated, sensual and tempestuous. He made Taeyong starve.

The pair squeezed into the backseat, trying to stay in comfortable positions. The car was spacious, but not enough. Ten sat on his lap with both legs open and knees touching each end of Taeyong’s waist. He leans over Taeyong to kiss him some more on the neck and collarbone, his hands playing risky games on the edge of Taeyong’s jeans.

Taeyong moans, he yearns more. Ten obeys and unzips his jeans, without wasting any time, he grabs Taeyong’s dick touching it slowly.

Of course, masturbating was great, but nothing compared to that feeling, the warmth of another body, skin on skin. In his 17 years of life, Taeyong had watched a lot of porn, but no porn in the world prepared him for this moment.

“I'm sorry you’re doing all the work,” Taeyong bursts, his cheeks taking a light shade of red. “I just don’t know what to do, but don’t stop, please.”

“You’re cute,” Ten laughs and tightens the grip on Taeyong’s cock. “It's all instinct.”

“I just…”

“Shh.” Ten shuts him up with another kiss. “Just relax.”

Taeyong nods. He feels so good, his body is warm and safe, but then, why does he feel so uncomfortable? It seems like a crime to be kissing someone he doesn’t even knew two hours ago. Ten seems to notice his discomfort because he backs off and interrupts the kissing.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He asks worried.

Taeyong wants to say yes, but he starts to feel it again. The weird sensation. This time, it begins at his stomach.

“Y-yeah…”

Ten doesn’t look convinced.

“You sure?”

“Yes… Keep going.”

Ten considers for a while, scanning through Taeyong’s face to see any reluctant sign, but gives up and leans towards him once more. Before Ten can do anything, Taeyong gasps for air. He stops midway.

“We can’t do this.”

“W-why?”

“You shouldn’t have your first time in a stranger’s car. I would feel bad... I mean, you are a nice guy... and you deserve better than having sex in a car, especially being your first time.” Ten sighs, moving to the side so he can sit next to Taeyong. “Give me your phone. I’m gonna put my number there and we’re gonna meet and talk and get to know each other better. Let’s do this the right away.”

Oh.

Taeyong doesn’t say anything.

Ten is quick.

“If you want, of course. If you’re not interested I would totally understand…”

“No! I- yes! I want to… talk. To you.”

“Oh, cool.”

“So… you’re asking me on a date?” Taeyong is cautious, even though Ten's intentions were clear he was still unsure he could trust what he heard.

“Yeah. I was interested in you since ours eyes met.” Ten says it straight, he doesn't seem to be afraid of anything. Including saying what he felt. For Taeyong, that was the worst of fears.

“I- sorry, it’s just… this never happened to me before.” Taeyong searches for his phone in his pants pocket and hands it over to Ten.

“Well, that means I don’t have competition? Great!” Ten smiles playful. Taeyong also smiles and a comfortable silence is established between them. It was the first time that Taeyong had felt comfortable with someone in so long. Ten made things easier.

“I should… probably look for my friends. It’s been a while anyways.”

“Sure. Do that. But first, can I kiss you a little more?”

✶

After a while, Ten leaves and Taeyong is left alone at the Mc Donald’s parking lot. At first, he didn’t mind. His primary thoughts were to find his friends so they could leave and go wherever. But as he begins to move a weird feeling grows within him. It had softened a little bit when he and Ten were together, but now that he was alone its presence were stronger than ever.

Taeyong feels the outside world spinning around him and he can't stand on his feet.

Ten was sweet, really sweet, but Taeyong is alone now and he can't breathe. Now that he is indeed alone in a dark parking lot at 10 pm, he regrets every single decision he made. He regrets being a shitty friend, he regrets the person he is, he regrets pushing everyone away, and he regrets everything, everything, and everything. It seemed like everything he did wrong came back all at once, and that was just too much.

The night is indeed cold — as the weather girl had said on television that morning —, but he feels no need to cover himself. He wants to feel the cold air hit his skin. A lot went on in his mind, thoughts going back and forth. Most are about his parents. Tonight's dinner only served to show him how messed up they were. He wished they would come clean about their feelings for his own peace of mind. But no, they chose to keep it all inside them and drive Taeyong crazy in the process.

Damnit! Why he had to say goodbye to Ten?

It’s okay, he remembers Ten’s soft tone and caring hands. You’re okay, just breathe. Just breath.

Taeyong breaths in. Once. Twice.

He breaths out. One more time.

The air is getting into his lungs, the air is filling his lung-

“Taeyong?” A known voice snaps him out of his thoughts, Taeyong opens his eyes abruptly and Doyoung greets him, concern all over his face. “Are you okay?”

“Yes.” He manages to say, swallowing hard. “Where were you?”

“We looked for you everywhere. We figured you would be here.” Doyoung replies, not buying what Taeyong was saying. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes…” Taeyong breaths heavily. “No, no, it’s not. I’m not! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry this is happening and I know it’s nothing to do with me, but I can’t stop thinking that it’s my fault. I know it’s not, but it feels like it is. It feels like everything it’s my fault. My parents hates me and I just feel so alone and I’m so sorry.”

Taeyong could barely discern Doyoung’s silhouette in the dark street, being lit only by a light pole and the sign that displayed the Mc Donald's logo just above them.

“Hey!” Jaehyun approaches him, carefully resting his hand on Taeyong’s shoulder. “Tae, breath with me, okay?”

Taeyong nods, not noticing how hard he was crying.

“Yeah… yeah…”

He follows Jaehyun’s lead and after a few minutes, he is calming down.

“Okay, buddy… You’re okay…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen…”

“Don’t apologize.”

Taeyong knows it isn’t true, but he can help but feel like he has no one. He can help but feel the strange and unwelcome feeling that spreads through his chest and leaves a distasteful taste in his mouth. A feeling that he knows godamn well even though he preferred not to.

He starts to feel calmer.

“I’m okay.. There’s just.. so much going on…”

“We know…”

“Is everything okay now?”

“Yes...”

“Are you okay to drive?”

“I, I think so. Where do we go now?”

“Can you take us home, Hyung?” Doyoung asks, eyeing Taeyong. It was one of those silent conversations again, which only the two of them had. Taeyong could understand every blink, every smile and shrug of Doyoung and seeing him in that moment, Taeyong finds himself smiling, satisfied.

✶ 

The next morning comes with a blur.

Jaehyun records it as bitter and empty. The rays of sun that broke into the room through the window are enough to disturb his sleep, as if he had managed to sleep in those last 2 hours. Restless thoughts haunted him throughout time that he tried to preach his eyes and anxiety grew in his stomach. This had to be the second worst night of his past few weeks.

Even though today was the day, everything felt surreal.

Jaehyun was leaving and there was no forecast for his return. The life he had here simply would cease to exist within a few hours. His parents were kicking him out of the country just because he had a boyfriend; they were pushing him away from all his friends just because he was happy.

As he stares at his mother sitting on the front seat of the car, eyes moving to nowhere but her own hands, he wonders: “Why didn't they reached out to me? Why couldn't they hear me? Do they hate me now?” All these unanswered questions remained stuck on his head, unbothered. Words desperate to be said, but no one willingly to listen.

He used to be the perfect son, the family's little golden boy. Now, what was he?

Jaehyun studies his mother again, seeking for help, although she seems to be in her own world. Sighing, he faces his window.

One thing he knew. Jaehyun would never be the perfect boy his parents idealized. And if they were not willing to know him for who he really is, he just has to feel sorry, for he won’t change.

They were the ones who decided to send him away. They chose to say goodbye to their son. They broke the bond that held them together. Not him. The worst of all, they broke Jaehyun. And yet, he loved them and could not bring himself to fight them.

He feels pathetic.

Every time his parents addressed him, it was a different attack. Subtle words, but loaded with hate. Quick glances charged with disapproval. And their faces, full of disgust.

They would never let him forget that infamous night.

“How could you do this to me?” His mother had yelled, as he and Doyoung pulled apart, she put her hand on top of her chest. “How could you do this in our house? You’re not my son, I didn’t raised you for this.”

That night, Jaehyun couldn’t sleep. He was shaking, crying, and pacing around his room, full of uncertain. “How would the next day be? What would his parents do? They weren’t gonna kick him outta of the house, right? They weren’t gonna disown him, right?” He asked himself over and over.

Now, he finds amusement in his disgrace. They were kicking him out of the country and Jaehyun doesn’t know what’s worse.

Even after all that, after all the pain he felt in those days, he couldn’t bring himself to hate his parents. Even though he had all the reasons to do it.

Fuck him and his loyalty.

The worst part of it was that he felt guilt. The little feeling of shame that never fully abandoned him, came back with its full power. The little devil whispered in his ear, slowly and mischievously, “You shall burn!”. It physically hurt for him to admit that, but back then when he was with Doyoung, when Doyoung held his hand, like he would never let go, part of him was happy and safe, but part of him also felt wrong, a sinner. The little devil was there again, smiling.

“You’ll go to hell.”

Jaehyun could already feel himself burn.

As he recalls the last words his father had said to him before he left home, he watches his mother moving in her sit, unease. They were almost at the train station now.

“I hope this teaches you a lesson.” His father's voice echoes in his mind.

“I'm sorry.” Jaehyun mumbles to his mother, not loud enough for her to hear it.

✶

They arrive at the airport almost an hour later.

The sound of rushed footsteps seeps into Jaehyun’s ears. People crowd at the exit of the train, making it difficult to move. He puts the luggage, a single suitcase, next to his body, holding it firmly. His mother is standing beside him, waiting for space to get out.

“Let's go.” She demands, making her way out of the train. Jaehyun follows, dragging his suitcase across the floor. They were heading toward the escalator, when something prevented Jaehyun from continuing.

He blinks a few times when he thinks he heard his name called, but when he faces his mother, she has her eyes fixed on front and kept walking. No, surely, he had heard someone calling him, he turns his head, and then he sees. Running toward him like crazy came Doyoung, Taeyong and Yuta. For the first time that morning, he smiles. Jaehyun stops walking, and noticing the sudden interruption of his steps, his mother turns around as well, noticing Jaehyun’s “friends” standing a few meters before them. She frowns.

“Jaehyun, come back here!” His mother's order echoes in his head, but Jaehyun ignores her and runs into Yuta’s arms.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, smiling, undoing the hug with his friend.

“We came to say goodbye, you idiot! Did you think you'd leave without talking to us?” Yuta answers in his usual ironic tone, but Jaehyun notices the caress and longing in his voice. “I'll miss you,” Yuta whispers, he was always a “tough” guy and as emotional as a rock, but at that moment, tears were gathering at the ends of his eyes and he did not try to hide them. Jaehyun is grateful for this.

Taeyong, on the other hand, was already drowning in his own tears. Jaehyun walks over to him, enveloping his friend in a tight embrace, who gently returns it, sobbing into Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“I'll miss you.”

“I know. I'll miss you too, hyung.”

Doyoung watched the scene from afar, his eyes meeting directly with Jaehyun's as he hugged Taeyong. He gave a different impression from the night before. Dark circles highlighted his big brown eyes of his pale skin and he displayed a hesitant smile. His hands disappeared into the pockets of his jeans and he swung his legs from one side to the other. Jaehyun takes a deep breath and softens the grip around Taeyong’s shoulders. His heart began to pound so hard he had to tap his own chest so as not to feel it. The only thought that crosses his head is to embrace Doyoung, but even with his back to her, Jaehyun can feel his mother's cold gaze on Doyoung, as if she was condemning him for corrupting her son. That’s enough for Jaehyun to tense. Then he examines Doyoung again and returns the smile. Something warm runs through his body making him tremble. He feels full of love.

He walks over to Doyoung who greets him with open arms.

“It's over, isn't it?”

Doyoung doesn't respond, just tightens the embrace. They stay like that for a few more seconds; wishing time would stop. Jaehyun is the first to walk away, eyes fixed on the ground; he lifts them slowly, admiring every detail of his boyfriend's body for one last time. Jaehyun was always taller, even though he was younger. He would miss the sullen face Doyoung did when he mentioned it, or the embarrassed smile he gave when Jaehyun praised him, Doyoung was never confident in his appearance and body. Jaehyun thought that was wrong. To him, he was perfect.

He places his hand on Doyoung's abdomen, not quite sure why. He would definitely miss touching him and having his body on top him. Jaehyun raises his head a little more, his eyes pause on Doyoung’s lips, soft, heart-shaped, and his. Only his. For a moment, he ignored that his mother was right behind him watching them with devout attention. For a moment, he only focused on what mattered. And maybe he was consumed by emotion, maybe the echo of his heartbeat drove him crazy, or maybe he did not care anymore. Because his mind went blank and when he realized what he was doing it was too late. His mouth was already over Doyoung's and he didn’t have the slightest desire to pull it off.

Doyoung took a step backwards, eyes wide; nonetheless, he kissed Jaehyun back. He tasted like black coffee and smelled like chamomile soap. Jaehyun tilted his head to the right, nose bumping into Doyoung's, who laughs between the kiss and opens his mouth a bit more, pulling Jaehyun closer by holding his neck. Jaehyun puts his tongue inside Doyoung's hot mouth, the contact causes him to shiver and press his body on his boyfriend even more. The scent of chamomile grew stronger, intoxicating all his senses.

Eventually, they stop.

Jaehyun needs to breath.

He leans his forehead on Doyoung’s shoulder, trying to normalize his breath. The smile won’t fade from his lips. Jaehyun is panting, sighing and laughing. All at once. He feels intensely happy. Doyoung holds him closer, rubbing his back gently. He has his eyes open and breaths at his own pace.

It was a goodbye.

Their goodbye.

And nobody would dare to disturb them.

Truthfully, Jaehyun was too embarrassed to look at anyone. It wasn't the first time his friends watched them kiss, but it still felt strange. This whole mess started when his parents caught them kissing in Jaehyun's room. To be doing this right now felt... brave? Jaehyun wasn't sure, but he definitely felt good.

Their moment don’t last forever, though. They are interrupt by a few gasps and sounds of heavy footsteps.

“Jung Jaehyun, it's time to go.” His mother pronounces herself firmly, stopping right by his side. Doyoung glances at her, but displays a playful smile.

“Hello, Mrs. Jung!”

She ignores him.

“Just a little bit of courage, you know?” Jaehyun whispers, letting go of Doyoung. He observes his mother. She pushes her eyebrows together at the same time her top lip comes up and flattens out. “I'm ready to go, mother.”

And just like that, Doyoung joins Yuta and Taeyong as they watch Jaehyun move forward with his mother. Jaehyun looks back one last time, mumbling a goodbye. Taeyong contains a small sob and buries himself into Yuta’s neck.

“Fuck...” Yuta says, caressing Taeyong’s wrist. “That was crazy.”

And for the first time that morning, the three of them laugh.

“What should we do now?” Yuta asks looking at both of his friends.

“How about we get some breakfast? Shit, I have so much to tell you guys.” Taeyong suggests and they begin to walk away.

**Author's Note:**

> well, that's it. for everyone out there, stay safe and remember that black lives matter. 
> 
> https://vidasnegrasimportam.carrd.co/  
> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/


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